The Onion Reports from Tyria

[Ringlin.1863]

Angry Crowd Confronts Mesmer Who Refuses Portal

 

Queensdale Man Near Top of Jumping Puzzle Mysteriously Dodges, Falls

 

Quaggan Shames Quaggan for Claiming Quaggan Blamed Quaggan

 

Traveler in Sequined Vest Attacked by Skritt

 

Scarlet-Bun Cactus Fetches Thousands at Auction

 

Poll: 96% of Asuran Parents Think Their Child is a Genius

 

Caught! The Cuddly Canach You Never Knew

 

Legate Minister Invokes Ancient Right of Trial-by-Staring-Contest

 

Fire & Ice: the Charr-Norn Romance Kept Secret for 25 Years

 

Logan Thackeray, Defeating a Dragon from Inside a Cabin

 

Frightened Pact Soldier Who Thought He’d Lost All Hope Loses Last Bit of Hope He Didn’t Know He Had

 

One Million Viewers Watch Baby Charr Fit in Tiny Box

 

Resourceful Skritt Link Dry Top, Silverwastes Via Giant Slip-n’-Slide

 

"Hero" Ignores Trapped Hylek while Hunting Krait

 

 

 

Corrections

---

 

• Whizbang Crewe did not beat the Blood Legion Batterers in last week’s Blood Bowl.
• Last night’s failure at Tarir was the fault of East, not West.
• Experts actually recommend defeating enemies before reviving allies.
• The Mouth of Zhaitan threatened to rain destruction on Tyria for 10,000 years, not 100,000.
• This year’s Snaff Prize did not go to Eddie the Ettin.

We regret the errors.

[Glacial.9516]

> @"Ringlin.1863" said:

> Poll: 96% of Asuran Parents Think Their Child is a Genius

While the remaining 4% **know** it?

[Just a flesh wound.3589]

>The Mouth of Zhaitan threatened to rain destruction on Tyria for 10,000 years, not 100,000.

 

Just 10,000 years? That’s hardly worth getting excited about.

 

>Traveler in Sequined Vest Attacked by Skritt

 

I would too if it’s lootable. Add it to my wardrobe and show off while afk by the trading post.

 

>"Hero" Ignores Trapped Hylek while Hunting Krait

 

I also ignore the ones that died but can be revived if I’m not going to get something out of it.

[Ashen.2907]

> @"Ringlin.1863" said:

 

>

Last night’s failure at Tarir was the fault of East, not West.

 

 

Lies.

 

 

 

[Ashantara.8731]

@"Ringlin.1863": Thanks for the laughs! This was the most brilliant post in ages. <3

 

> @"Ashen.2907" said:

> > @"Ringlin.1863" said:

> >

Last night’s failure at Tarir was the fault of East, not West.

> Lies.

 

Fake news? ;)

[Laila Lightness.8742]

> @"Glacial.9516" said:

> > @"Ringlin.1863" said:

> > Poll: 96% of Asuran Parents Think Their Child is a Genius

> While the remaining 4% **know** it?

 

Ore think their child is less of a genius than themself

[Ray Koopa.2354]

"Hero" also ignored Aqualimit krewe members locked up in cages while he killed their krait kidnappers at Fisher's Beach Bend in Metrica Province. Victims make him guilty for wrinkly ears after having to stay so long underwater.

[Laila Lightness.8742]

Bearman experiment can talk dont liten missing from cell in rata sum

[Steve The Cynic.3217]

> @"Ashen.2907" said:

> > @"Ringlin.1863" said:

>

> >

Last night’s failure at Tarir was the fault of East, not West.

>

>

> Lies.

 

Indeed. It was South's fault.